Balls. And 5 ways I practice self care as a parent carer!

It's not easy being a carer and as a parent carer my life is full of demands. Often I feel as though I'm caught between a tug of war with self preservation and doing what I need to in order to help meet the needs of others. I think life for most of us can feel like a delicate juggling act. And I think that's partly because we live in a social construct that largely bases our success on our ability to perform, and then measures the output of that performance. And the pressure of that can feel enormous, and so from that perspective, it's no wonder we worry about letting any balls slip!

Our output. Our ability to keep all our balls in the air at the same time depends on so many varying factors. Many of which are out of our control, but many are also completely within our grasp. The contradiction of this isn't lost on me. Often as a carer I feel judged, yet unseen. The two occuring at the same time in a weird kind of equilibrium. But, what I have come to realise, is we do have more control than we often feel or think we have.

For each of us, our balls come in different sizes and some weight more than others. And as a result the juggling can be even more difficult for some and sometimes we drop some balls. Not proactively learning to choose what balls you can drop and what ones you can't can have devastating consequences. And this ruthless prioritisation, has over the years, been a real pain point for me. I don't want to drop any balls. I'm too stubborn to. But when push comes to shove, my needs are the first to go. And I think this is true for most carers, often one of the first balls that gets dropped is our own self care. Short term these choices may feel necessary. Often they are a ruthless prioritisation. Often there is no other choice. Sometimes it's simply reactive!

I'm getting to a point in life now where I'm a master planner and so I plan ahead to prevent the my balls dropping. Mitigating some of the issues faced. Understanding that ruthless prioritisation is vital! And as a carer I think we become more and more intune with this as we go. Understanding that the balls that carer are juggling when dropped have a wider ripple and more profound consequences. Not just for the carer but also for the cared for person. Carers are the linchpin in families and in wider society. We are the backbone of social care. As a society we MUST get better at get it right for carers, because they will help get it right for the person they love!

Anyway, here are 5 practical things I try to incorporate into my day in order to help combat carer fatigue and practice self care;

I take breaks: I make sure to take breaks from my caregiving responsibilities daily to rest and recharge. Sometimes this is just a few minutes and it helps me to feel less overwhelmed and reduce stress. Usually it's in the form of a morning bath. I set my alarm and get up before everyone else so I can enjoy a peaceful bubble bath.

I try to exercise regularly: Exercise has been shown to be an effective way to reduce stress and improve mental health. I try to incorporate physical activity into my daily routine. I can't really get to the gym and I hate the gym, so my exercise is often going for a walk with friends. I'm thankful to them for dragging me out regularly.

I practice grounding techniques: There are a variety of grounding techniques that can help you manage stress and feel more control in the present moment.

My go to one when I am feeling anxious is the 5-4-3-2-1 Coping Technique for Anxiety.

5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you.

4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you.

3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear.

2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell.

1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste.

I like this one because it's easy to remember and can be done anywhere.

Grounding for me is also sometimes just sitting having 10 minutes in the car to myself before the school pick up. Or writing in my journal. It's being conscious of these precious moments that's important I think and trying to incorporate them into your day. It's the taking control back.

I Seek social support: Connecting with others who understand my experiences as a caregiver has been a great source of support and for me has helped reduce feelings of isolation and stress. I am part of several online forums as well as in person family support groups. I also try hard to connect with friends and family, although I'm also guilty of not wanting to go out when I'm finding life hard. I've learned that leaning into this discomfort is often what is necessary.

Learning to take care of myself: For a long time I didn't look after myself at all. I felt guilty for doing things for myself. I lost me. Then I got really sick and realised how important it was for me to ensure I'm well and how important it is to prioritise self-care. By making sure i'm taking care of my own physical and emotional well-being, it means those I love recieve the best version of me.

If you are reading this then I hope you have found it helpful. I'd love to know what are your top tips for practicing self care as a carer? How do you incorporate them into your day?

Oh and here are a couple of resources that I know about for parent carers who wish do a deeper dive into self care >>>>>>>

Kindred run a course called E-pats (Early Positive Approaches to Support (E-PAtS) online group courses to families)

https://www.kindred-scotland.org/e-pats

Positive Family Connections

https://cerebra.org.uk/research/positive-family-connections-take-part/

Just put one foot in front of the other!

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